Small Choices that have a HUGE Impact

In this episode, Eric and Kate MacDougall explore how small, consistent actions can lead to big transformations in relationships.

Topics:
➡️ The impact of small, daily actions on connection and trust.
➡️ Kate highlights how simple gestures strengthen intimacy.
➡️ Eric stresses the importance of keeping personal promises.
➡️ They explore how to adjust to unmet expectations and changing needs.
➡️ Balancing self-care and relationship care for lasting change.

Book Your Breakthrough Plan

FREE RESOURCE - The Communication Guide

TRANSCRIPT:

Eric MacDougall
So today we're talking about this entirety of small choices don't often have a huge impact. And this is something that we preach to everybody all the time, not just in relationships, I think, just in life, and the idea of, like, change and transformation and kind of building the life we've built. And so the whole idea, I think, a lot of times, people struggle because they think that life is created in these, like big swings, or healthy relationships are created in these big, massive swings, the big trip, the vacation, the massive, you know, anniversary date, etc, yeah, expensive jewelry, exactly. And there's nothing wrong with that, right? If that's great, if you want to do that, but if that's all you do, though, exactly. And I think for us, what we've understood is that these small, everyday moments where we choose love and we choose connection and we choose to honor each other, is what has made our relationship so successful. Yeah, right. I

Kate MacDougall
also think when it comes to, you know, changing behavior or changing a way you show up in relationship, I know for myself and for kind of like, for a little while, I was focusing a lot on myself, my things, my, you know, whatever, like, I wasn't really paying much attention of my impact on Eric and how, you know, my absence in this relationship was impacting him. So in order to change that behavior, you know, I could have planned a grandiose date, a weekend away for just me and him, and that would have been nice, for sure. I'm sure you would have been like, Wow, that's awesome. Like, thank you for planning this weekend. But then once the weekend is gone and I go back to being absent, Kate, like it still has an impact on the relationship. So these little actions that I can do often have a bigger impact than that big trip that I could have planned. So making sure that I'm checking in with you every day, making sure that I'm kissing you when I wake up in the morning, making sure that you know, say

Eric MacDougall
goodbye before you

Kate MacDougall
leave the house, Yeah, goodbye before leaving the house.

Eric MacDougall
I even think, like, these small moments, right, that are so impactful for me is like, when you come and refill my coffee, right? Like you want to refill, and you just, like, walk over the kettle and you pour it, like such a small, seemingly insignificant thing, but really makes me feel cared for, right? I think one that you love, you know, is like that, just the idea of like going to bed together, right? If we go to bed at the same time, like that has such a massive impact. If I go two, three nights without going to bed with you the same time, it you feel very disconnected and unappreciated. And so I think this is really important, and I don't want to understate this, which is like, you have the ability to create change in your relationship, in your life immediately, just by making small, simple shifts.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, right. And I think when people kind of notice problems in the relationships, or they notice things are kind of off, their first instinct is, I need to do something big. And the problem is with that is, then it becomes. Overwhelming. And then it becomes this, like, almost like, impossible hurdle to cross, because, oh my gosh, I have to do all of these things to impress my husband. And it's like, well, no, you don't. You just need to do one small thing today. That's it, one small thing. And then at one small thing becomes a one small thing tomorrow and another thing tomorrow, and then eventually becomes a habit. And then, you know, it snowballs, right? It becomes this, like a snowball effect. So it gets bigger and bigger and bigger, and then all of a sudden, you know, all those little actions you were doing now, your husband is seen. Is feeling seen again. He's feeling heard. He's feeling understood, and you didn't have to go out and plan a trip to Greece for it. You just had to do small things every day.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And I think one of the things to recognize here is that typically, when we want these big swings, typically when we're like, some needs change and these massive impact, oftentimes that comes from place of fear, worry, right? Whatever you want to call it. And so they're looking for is not actually to create the connection, and this is like, we're going kind of deep here, but what they're actually looking for is to stop feeling uncomfortable. So the individual wants to do something that is going to remove the sense of discomfort, this gross feeling, right? Exactly. And so they're like, I need something that when it's done, this uncomfortable feeling goes away, and it then is switched by like, just pure euphoria. And you know, number one, really does that happen, right? Sometimes it happens momentarily, but really does it happen long term? And these same people are actually unwilling to trust the process and do the work unless they're seeing immediate change, right? And that's the whole idea of, like, we need immediate gratification. It's like, I'm actually not willing to do anything unless I can immediately feel better, or unless I can immediately see a change in my partner. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
and I've heard it so often, you know, like women talking about how, like, well, he thinks if he just buys me flowers once in a while, it's like, Oh, I love you. It's like, yeah. Like, I appreciate the flowers. I love the flowers, don't get me wrong. But like, I also want to be told every day how beautiful I am. I also want to be told every day how you love me. I also want you to show me in small actions every day that I I'm there. I care. Like, I like your flowers, but if that's all you're doing for me, like, I can buy myself flowers, you know, Miley Cyrus says it, you can buy

Eric MacDougall
Miley Cyrus has got it. Shut it down, smart cooking and and so what we really want, you know, the message should be about this episode is, you know, and we can share some of the small impacts that we have on each other that make a huge difference. I think that might help you. Might help to really kind of add a container to it. But you know, if you're feeling stuck, if you're feeling like I'm feeling disconnected, I just don't want to do like, I don't know what the right next step is, just do anything, anything from a place of love, from a place of honoring yourself, honoring your partner, and just do something small, and don't expect that it's going to change everything. The commitment is actually to the work. The commitment is actually to showing up and doing that thing. You know what I mean? I think it was opening this episode right where you're like, I'm excited because I've, you know, had said that I want to, you know, prioritize us on one night a week, and blah, blah, blah. And so I've done that, and now you've done it a couple weeks in a row, and already you're starting now, you're starting to feel it, starting to feel better about yourself, starting to feel more accomplished, more excited.

Kate MacDougall
And had I made that promise to myself? And this has happened in my life. Often I make promises to myself, and I don't keep them, and what happens then is I fall in this like, vicious circle of like, you're not good enough, you can't do it. You're a bad wife. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that brings me even deeper in the shame Pit and the I can't do it, and then I just want to hide. Yeah, and then I just those little things I should be and could be doing. I'm, like, not not doing it. I'm, I'm a shitty wife. What's the point? What is What does it even matter? Yeah, and in that moment, sorry, go ahead. But by sticking to my commitments, I'm like, I got this I can do that little thing I promised myself I would do. And now doing that little thing isn't so scary. Now I can do maybe something a little bit bigger, still little but a little bigger or a little more often. And so, you know, by keeping the promise to myself, not only is it impacting Eric, is it impacting our relationship, but it's impacting me as a person, yeah. And

Eric MacDougall
one of the things that I really want to recognize there you said, which is like, you know, when you don't fall through the commitment to yourself, when you say you're going to do something, and they'll do it, and you kind of fall in that chain, pit, gap, gap mindset, I'm not good enough, whatever you call it. That's the moment that I mentioned earlier, which is when people are in that moment, they're actually not thinking about loving or serving another, they're actually thinking about removing their own pain. Yeah, it

Kate MacDougall
becomes all about me, and then I'm just like, I'll just do whatever. So Eric's happy and like, and then that's when, like, for sex comes in, or, like. Planning a vacation that I don't even want to go on, but I'm going to go because Eric said he wanted to go to the Comic Con, so I'm going to go with him or and you're

Eric MacDougall
no longer acting from a place of love, of service to another, because you're in an altered feeling state. You're in shame, you're in fear, you're in self loathing, whatever you want to call I'm just trying to fix, yeah, and what you're trying to fix is not the connection. What you're trying to fix is your emotional experience that is causing pain,

Kate MacDougall
yeah. And just like we said earlier, unfortunately, what happens then is, you know, I bike Eric the special tickets for the special show he wanted to go see, and he goes to see it with his buddy, or with me or whatever. And in that moment, it's like, okay, feelings gone. But then tomorrow, when I see Eric sad because he's lonely again, I'm like, Ah, there's the feeling again, and it comes right back, whereas by committing to something and sticking to that commitment, that feeling doesn't come back. Because then I'm like, I trust that next week I'm going to do the same thing, and maybe this week I'll try twice. Yeah, and if we

Eric MacDougall
kind of elaborate on that concert example, you know, if you're doing it for you, then you win. So if you're doing it in terms of, like, I'm gonna buy these Eric's tickets, I want a great wife. It's commitment that I'm following through on. I love Eric. I want to have a good time. But really, the win is that I did it. Yeah, that is actually really healthy. Because what happens often is, I've seen a lot of men do this. I'm sure women do it as well, but it's like, I've done this thing, I've bought you concert tickets, I've had the four sacks, I've done this thing, and now you're not having the happy experience that I thought you would have it, right? So I buy you these concert tickets. You came back and I was like, how's the concert? And you're like, that was good, yeah. And that's it. And you're like, and Malcolm, you're not super happy about it, excited and think I'm amazing. And that example

Kate MacDougall
of buying flowers, that's exactly where I was going with that is the woman's like, I'm still not happy. And then the husband turns around. He's like, Oh, do all these things for you, and you're not even, you don't even recognize the things I do do for you. And it's like you're not doing the right things. You're not doing what I'm doing them for me. You're doing them because you you think you're forced to do these things. It's like you're just buying

Eric MacDougall
me flowers because you want me to stop complaining about how unhappy I am. Yeah, and now

Kate MacDougall
I'm gonna complain about flowers, or you're gonna stop buying me flowers. You're gonna buy me something else. And actually, I don't want the chocolate bars, I don't want the jewelry, I don't want. I just want you to tell me I'm pretty, yeah.

Eric MacDougall
And I want you to love me because I'm lovable and because you actively want to love me, yeah? Not. I don't want you to love me and do something because it quiets my criticism, exactly, right? And so anyways, going back to, like, the, really, the this foundational idea of small things, and often, we encourage all of you, you know, as you're listening to this, think about this week. Think about some very simple things you can do. You know, sometimes I often think about it like I'll be working and I'll just receive a text or a voice memo from Kate That's just, like, appreciation. Hey. I just want you to know how much I love you. I noticed the thing you did yesterday that really warms my heart, that you did that it's so great to have you in my life. Super small thing, right? Probably doing that while sitting on the toilet. Like, the reality is they're not, okay, well, whatever. But the reality is, like, when I received that, I'm like, Oh, that's so nice, you know, like, and it actually hits me right in the fields, or, you know, again, like, when I'm waking up in the morning and you have poured me a cup of coffee, right? Not a morning person. When I come up, like, Good morning and you're just giving me a cup of coffee, like, Oh, that's such, like, a beautiful, wonderful thing where I feel careful,

Kate MacDougall
yeah, I've noticed too. Like, I'm somebody who, like, as soon as my alarm goes off, I'm like, Ready set go, and I'm like, out of the bed doing things. And oftentimes, sometimes I'll, like, roll over. My alarm will go off, I'll turn it off, I'll roll over, and I'll, like, just cuddle you for, like, literally, like, 10 seconds, maybe. But I always notice that when I do do it, you come downstairs and you're like, Thanks for cuddling me this morning. And I'm like, nice, okay, like, he notices these things. And it's just, honestly, it's like, 10 seconds of my morning, yeah, and, but it does have an impact on you, and it's something you notice.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I absolutely sorry. I thought you're gonna continue and talk there. That's right. I was like, waiting.

Kate MacDougall
That's the dining I don't know.

Eric MacDougall
I just, I just, I guess we were in the sink as much as we should be. Anyways, I love what you said. I would like to know some small things that I do that have an impact for you.

Kate MacDougall
Like, when you offer to, like, brush my hair. I love when you offer to brush my hair, okay. Like, sometimes you like, you like, brush my hair, and sometimes you ask me, and I'm like, No, my hair's curly. Don't brush curly hair. And now I notice you'd never asked me to brush my hair anymore, but it's like, you can ask me to brush my hair. I'd like when you ask me to brush my hair, yeah, you like, go off for a foot massage. Or what else do you do for me? Like you do, like you do a lot. I'll like a lot. So I'm like, Okay, think of like, something different than just like, I

Eric MacDougall
remember one thing that was really important to you was when we would come out of the shower, you come out of the shower to, like, give you your towel. That was, like, a big one, yeah, kind of far, you know, you gotta reach, I gotta come out of the cold shower or grab your towel. And so oftentimes I used to give your towel. And at one point you remember you telling me, I love, like, staying in the heat. So what I would do is, like, I

Kate MacDougall
would, you wouldn't even, yeah, you wouldn't even, like, open the door. You just throw it over, yeah?

Eric MacDougall
But then what happened? So this is really important, because now you know exactly what I'm gonna say, yeah, and then later on, as I've done that for, like, weeks, and then at one point, you're like, how come? Like, you give me my towel, and then you slam the door in my

Kate MacDougall
face, yeah? Because I'm like, going to step out. And you're like, dope. I was like,

Eric MacDougall
What do you mean? Like, I thought you liked saying, like, no, like, I don't. It feels kind of like bad you're slaying the door my face and so all to say, like, you know, even then an idea, I have this good intention. It was based on something you loved, which is, like, keep the heat in, you know, you said to me once I categorized it okay, like, being loved. And that changes after a while, right? The meaning changes, yeah. And so really important, understand same thing as the brushing hair thing you mentioned, which is, like, I love when you brush my hair, it's not curly. And then I'm like, and then I categorize that as like, don't ask you to brush your hair anymore, right? Because you don't know when it's curly or not. But I should ask, I know, but I don't, you know. I don't know, really good hair. But all to say, like, I actually want to say, this is a really good point, that sometimes you're going to do something and it's not gonna land, yeah? And that doesn't mean, like, stop doing it, yeah? That means, like, try a different way to do it, try to asking again later, right? And so the whole brushing your hair idea, I remember asking, and you're like, it's curly, you can't brush

Kate MacDougall
what's curly. You know, poofy all curly haired people are like, it's true, yeah? But

Eric MacDougall
then I'm like, You know what? I'm gonna ask her anyways, if I can come brush her hair, and just to say, like, keep doing these small choices, you know, don't overthink it, small, little things done often and consistent. That's at least for me, what creates a really great connection and builds that healthy trust in a relationship.