How your Actions are Leading to Burnout and Disconnection

In this episode, Kate & Eric discuss the hidden impacts of staying busy and avoiding emotions.

Topics:
➡️ The dangers of using busyness as a coping mechanism to avoid feeling emotions.
➡️ The breakdown and emotional release that occurs when suppressing feelings for too long.
➡️ Strategies for recognizing emotional signals and the importance of taking time to address them.

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TRANSCRIPT:

Eric MacDougall
Today we're talking about, I think this conversation came up because recently based on kind of what you were experiencing, but really the whole theme of this conversation is how we use action busyness, right? Doing more stuff to avoid kind of the very human experience of feeling,

Kate MacDougall
feeling, feeling your emotions, feeling your feelings. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
so that's right. So, so this kind of came to a catalyst last week, I think both of us, but we just have different ways of dealing with it. Yeah, right, yeah. I find a lot of comfort in busyness. So to me, it's like I have to actually force myself to slow down.

Kate MacDougall
And same with me, I was in a very, very busy season in my school and my job, I was in a very busy season at home, you know, with the hockey and art classes and just my yoga certification and all of those things. And then I had two weeks off for Christmas holidays. And. Um, I had a small breakdown one day this week, last week, yeah, where I just it's like, all the emotions that I had been repressing pending up. They all came out at once. And it was not pretty, not pretty at all. I had like a liberal temper tantrum as a grown adult, yeah.

Eric MacDougall
And then kind of seemed like, from my perspective, you then kind of moved into embarrassment, shame, almost scared yourself too, in a sense, right? Like, I don't think that we had ever seen you that way, yeah. So I think there was a lot of fear for you as well. Of like, holy, what's going on, yeah. And I

Kate MacDougall
think a lot of like, thought of, you know, like, Oh, I'm not supposed to show emotion. Like, that's not healthy. And in my head, you know, this is a story I make up. Obviously, I am supposed to, and it is very healthy to show emotion. But the story I was making up was like, when I'm feeling strong emotions when I'm feeling sad or angry or whatever, it's very important for me to deal with that on my own in a hidden corner and not talk about it. And so for me to actually blow up and to like, for it to all like, vomit out, like, was like, Oh my gosh, I did it, I showed myself, and that was not good,

Eric MacDougall
yeah? So now I now I need to go isolate myself, yeah, get away from everything,

Kate MacDougall
yeah. Or I need to do what I do normally, and I need to find a project to keep me busy so I can stop feeling these emotions, yeah, coming up. And I think that

Eric MacDougall
this what typically a lot of people do, right? Like feeling like we talked about overwhelmed stress, you know, whatever emotional experience you're having, especially during the holidays, right? But whenever you're slowing down, it's like you're doing life, you're focused on all kinds of stuff, and then when there's nothing to do or focus on, right, your body is starts sending the signals, and now, because your brain's not distracted, well, I'm

Kate MacDougall
gonna stop you, because the body's always sending signals. It's just I'm too busy to feel them, right? You're too distracted. I'm too distracted, or I feel the signal, and I'm like, good, I have something to do now, and I'll run away to that something to avoid feeling that feeling. Yeah, and I

Eric MacDougall
think a lot of listeners, as they're kind of listening to this, you know, think about yourself, like, how often do you feel something? Feel an intuition, feel like, ooh, something's not right. And your brain then tells your body like, Shut up body. Like, just don't worry about that. That's normal. It is what it is, you know, like, that's such a I should be stressed out, right? And that we start to convince ourselves, our brain starts to convince ourselves that these feelings of anxiousness, stress, overwhelm, loneliness, whatever you want to call it is normal, just like life, right? And it's not life, it that is not great to be feeling that way. That is your body trying to wake you up and say something's wrong, yeah. And then your brain saying, Nobody, be quiet. Let's just keep doing what society tells us to do, yeah, and

Kate MacDougall
I remember learning about like, this analogy, comparing emotions and comparing that need for, you know, to stop and slow down to like, the red light going on in a car. Is it the red light, the engine light? It's not red, it's worn, but the engine light going on in your car, and if you continue to ignore that engine light, things get worse, and it's full fully possible to continue ignoring that engine light. You can keep driving. You can keep driving until your car blows up, and then you're like, whoops. Should have probably dealt with that engine light six months ago when it turned on. So I always liked that analogy, because it's like, Whoa, my engine lights on and I'm and that's what was happening with with school, being as busy as it was, with my job and everything, like I was just bombarding myself with projects because I saw the engine light and I was like, don't have time for this. Don't have time for this. Move on. Go on. Keep going for it. Keep going for it. And I remember thinking a few times like I should take a day off, like I'm really not doing well, like I need to rest, I need to look after myself here before the holidays, because I'm going to end up being sick. And I didn't listen to it. And I kept repressing and repressing and repressing until the beginning of last week, when I just couldn't repress anymore, and it just all came out at once. So in

Eric MacDougall
that moment when you thought you needed a break, and part of your mind was like, I should probably take a day off, like something's up here, what was the story you're telling yourself that prevented you from taking that break?

Kate MacDougall
I knew that if I was gonna stop and feel the emotions that I needed to feel that it would hurt, it would be painful, and it would be difficult, and I didn't trust that I could get through it quickly. You know, I can get through a project quickly, and I can get, like, a hit of dopamine, like, Yes, I did that. I can.

Eric MacDougall
I challenge you a bit. Just jump in, because I don't know if this is true, and what you're saying might absolutely be your experience. But I think if you go back to those moments, what I've seen you and what I've experienced as well, is I'm not even aware of my emotional state. The story I typically tell myself in those moments is if I stop doing what I'm doing, I'm gonna fall way behind, and then I'm gonna have more work later. Yeah? Like, it's actually more work to get off the hamster wheel and kind of take care of myself. So what I'll do is actually just continue to do something. So could you imagine, like, taking day off? Like, what's gonna happen to your class? How are you gonna have to set that up? What are you gonna do on your day off? Like, isn't sitting down and just, like, feeling your emotions a complete waste of time? Yeah, and

Kate MacDougall
it's like, oh, I can either take a day off and work from home and do a bunch of stuff that I need to do, or I need to do, not necessarily have to do, but think I need to do from home, or I can go into work and get things that need to be done at work done need to be done. Need to be done. Quote, unquote, yeah, so just doesn't make sense for me to take time for myself. It doesn't take, does it make sense to me? And then, even when I was on holiday, I mean, I had two weeks off. Like, we're very lucky in our school board, we got two weeks off. So I took a week to, you know, prep for Christmas, and then it was Christmas, and then we were going to dinners, and we were doing, you know, it was still a very simple Christmas, but it was busy, whether you like it or not, like Christmas is busy, and so I had all these things I needed to do. And, you know, deep down inside, I could feel that, like anger. I could feel the red light. I could feel it like, Ooh, I'm not feeling well. And I remember telling you a few times like, I'm not doing well. I'm not doing well. And there was even a day where I had a small breakdown, started crying, I got really overwhelmed over like, some very simple plans, and then we ended up canceling. We ended up canceling. And you said, Kate, take the day. Take care of yourself. What did Kate do instead of taking care of herself? I did. I did all kinds of things. I posted things online. I put some resources on my my resource page that I made like

Eric MacDougall
you were mad at yourself for taking this day away from the family. Yeah. So then

Kate MacDougall
I ended up joining you guys and some plans that you had made. And it's funny because our son said, Mom, I thought you were supposed to take the day to take care of yourself. It doesn't make sense that we canceled our original plans, and now you're coming with me to these plans. And then I got all shameful with myself, and I was like, when, like,

Eric MacDougall
you got mad at him for mirroring, and like, why are you so smart, Chuck? I know. So this is kind of like the because for me, when I think about these situations, like part of the challenge is our belief around hustle culture, right? And just thinking like, you know, this idea, like, we have to do more, more, more, more, more all the time, and that, like, slowing down and doing nothing one day is a total waste of time, right? And that, like, that doesn't get us to our goals and doesn't get us to X, Y and Z, especially around this time of year. You know, one thing that I noticed about you is, and this happens a lot, where, like, the dynamic in a relationship is we'll wake up in the morning. I look over you've already been awake, planning your whole day. You're on your phone, looking for every possible activity we could experience. You. You want to experience life to the fullest. Yeah, you want to try everything all the time you have, you know, major FOMO. You want to live life to the fullest. And the first conversation that typically starts is like, Hey, how was your sleep? Good? Whatever. And then you get into Okay, so today, we're going to do this and this and this, and then we're going to do this, and then tomorrow, we're going to do this and this and this and this, and then, and I'm just like, What is going on? Like, that's That's wild. And I'm not saying it's good or bad, but what I am saying is that sometimes this idea that we have to experience absolutely everything all the time prevents us from being in the present moment and truly experiencing something, right? Because you're always thinking about what's next, what's next, what's next. And so I think there is a part of this where it's coming to terms with the life you actually want, instead of the life you believe or should be living, right? Which is really important. And then the other part of it, which is, I think, you know, bigger picture here, which is understanding that if we are not feeling our emotions, if we are not creating space and connecting to our bodies, well, then that creates a disconnection between you and other people, and often leads to, you know, a lot of that kind of roommate stalemate, managing emotions in a marriage. Because one of the things I've been thinking a lot about lately, and I had a conversation with a couple other day, actually, about this as we were coaching, was they were so focused on managing everything. They wanted to manage their emotions. They justified all the emotions. They cognitively so they wanted to use their mind to understand absolutely everything that was going on. Right? And I get it. It's a it's a desire to be in control. It's a desire to never be surprised by anything. It's a desire to, like be in that stillness and stoic and kind of get everything totally understand that the problem is, is that when you are mostly focused on cognitive and on understanding and on justifying and on controlling situations, things go away, like passion, like novelty, like excitement, right? Because if you have full control of your life, and you've created a life where you're just, you know, always focused on the next thing, and always understanding everything you're not in your body, and in order to have a healthy sexual relationship with somebody, you need to be in your body. How many of us have sex with our partners and when you're in your brain, you're not experiencing it? Yeah, and so much of the work that we do, oftentimes through the sex that we're having, through the connection that we're having, is getting into our body and understanding how slowing down and feeling our body is incredibly challenging. If you're spending all day in your mind running to the next thing. Does that make sense?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, it definitely does. And I think that you know, listeners can probably identify themselves here, like if you're in a spot where you're constantly on the go, constantly looking for the next thing, constantly looking for the next project, the next thing to keep you busy. This is probably a sign that your engine light is on, that there's something that you need to stop, slow down and deal with, and that you're probably avoiding, yeah, so I think this is like a telltale sign of, like, hey, like something's wrong here. Something's not working. I need help and and In instances like that, we tend to isolate, which leads to disconnection, which leads to us, you know, being, you know, away from our minds, away from our bodies, just like you were saying, we're disconnected with ourself, but even more, we're disconnected with our partners, because you've got this, like icky feeling inside, so you're probably feeling icky about yourself. You're probably not feeling very well in your skin. So why would my partner want to connect with me, if this is how I feel about myself, why would Eric want to connect with

Eric MacDougall
me? You don't want to be seen that way Exactly, right? So you want to hide that part

Kate MacDougall
of yourself exactly. And also, I think in moments like that for me, I avoid you because I know that you see me more than I see myself. We often say that, like our partners are our mirrors, right? Like I can go on for weeks, months without taking care of myself, but you'll be the one who'll be like, Hey, Kate, you're doing okay. And I'm like, fine. I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine. Leave me alone. I'm doing fine. And then you're like, okay, because yeah, don't look like you're doing fine. And so I avoid you, because I don't want you to point the truth at me and up this part, okay, you're not fine. And then to start digging, and then for me to then be forced to go in and think about, okay, what is happening here? Slow down and feel those emotions that I hate feeling emotions. I hate feeling emotions. It's uncomfortable, it's uncomfortable, and it doesn't feel safe to me. What feels safe is doing what I know I'm good at doing what I know I can get a win out of so why would I stop and feel this gross feeling when I'm doing fine, keep the mask of fine, yeah, keeping the mask of fine on by accomplishing all these wonderful things. Like, look at me. Go. Look at me, go. And so honestly, you took a conversation with my sister when I had the breakdown, you like, were like, okay, Kate, like, you need to talk to somebody here. And I was too angry in that moment to talk to you, because you turn the mirror on me. And I was like, no, like, shame on you myself, for sure. And so you said, you need to talk to somebody here. So I called my sister, and through conversation with her, she's the one who kind of made me realize, like, Kate, you're doing a lot. And at first I was like, Oh my God. Like, you're just like, you think I'm doing Oh, I hate hearing that, because I'm like, Oh, you think I'm doing too much? Do you think I'm burning the candle at both ends? You think I'm burning myself out? I'm not okay. I can handle it. And it's that's not what she was trying to say, is she said, Kate, you're you do notice that every time you go on holidays, every time you stop, this happens, right? And it's probably because you're suppressing a lot of emotions, you're suppressing a lot of things that you need to face, and by keeping busy, you don't have to to face those things. And I was like, like,

Eric MacDougall
how many people can relate to that? Right? Because I think what you're what you're hitting on, there is something that a lot of us hate to admit to, but it's true for a lot of us. We are suppressing the way we feel. We're avoiding the way we feel because we don't like it, and the way that we're doing that is by pretending everything's okay and by continuing to just stay in the hamster wheel of life. Yeah, and over time, long term, you know, people have found themselves in these places. It can lead to burnout, leads to massive disconnection, leads to isolation, yeah, right, and it leads to to an extreme, like depressive states, feelings of never want to get out of bed. Like, and this is really important to understand, is like, by adding these small touch points of just like, checking in with yourself daily, having conversations with somebody you love and trust, to open up. Yeah, these are important things to do. And so, like, if you're listening, you know, one of the, one of the challenges, I'll say, for our listeners, is think about this idea of just going for a walk on your own. I'm just gonna go for an hour walk on my own with nothing, no sound. With like, I mean, no headphones, No book, no not no phone, no

Kate MacDougall
podcast, no nothing. Yeah. So for some people, just

Eric MacDougall
thinking about that is uncomfortable, yeah, just thinking about having to do that, they're like, Oh my God, that's on that

Kate MacDougall
day, that day you had mentioned that, you said, Kate, I know you like walking in nature. Why don't you go walk in nature? And in my head, I was like, no, no. Like, I ain't. Nobody Got Time for That. I gotta. I got things like, that's

Eric MacDougall
gonna take me away. Like, could you imagine? And not, what's my wife gonna think? My kids gonna think that's gonna be and so literally, like, if you if in your life, you don't have the mental capacity to take a walk for one hour, you

Kate MacDougall
need to, like, rethink your life, Oh, yeah. Like, your red light, your engines about to blow up,

Eric MacDougall
yeah. And it's like, and that's what I'm saying. Like, some listeners out there some people the idea of going for a walk on their own, without a phone, without headphones, anything like that in nature, is raising their anxiety, like and so because I know, because I used to be like that, yeah, right, I cannot slow down. Slow down causes me anxiety. So what do I do? I speed up until I burn out, and then I yell and scream, and then I'm forced to slow down. And so for all the listeners listening, right? Think about that. Think about your capacity to slow down, and how much that is a red light if you're able to slow down and you say, You know what, I can actually take 10 minutes a day and just breathe and just sit still. Okay, you're probably in a pretty good spot, right? Continue to do that. Continue

Kate MacDougall
to continue to do it. Just because you're in a good spot doesn't mean Okay, good. Now stop. No, no. Like, this is probably what's keeping you sane. This is probably what's keeping you on top is, you know, being able to take that time to breathe, to do some mindfulness exercises. Maybe it's just stopping, you know, for a minute once a day, to notice what's around you, what's going on in my body, what's going on around me. What do I smell here? What can I touch? What can I taste? Yeah, touching into your sense, writing right, literally, taking one minute a day to like, just check in with yourself. That's a start, you know? So I think that that's a great challenge for our listeners. Is, you know, what are you doing daily? To take care of yourself, to stop, to slow down, to not do anything but check in with yourself and say, Hey, how am I feeling right now? Yeah, and maybe that's setting alarm on your phone for 10am every single day. Stop at 10am every day. Stop, check in. How am I doing? I'm feeling a little anxious right now. Okay. What do I need right now? I need to just take, like, a few moments to breathe. Okay, gonna do that? Take a few moments to breathe. Go on with your day. It doesn't have to be this big, extravagant thing where you download an app with meditation on it, or find, you know, somebody on YouTube that can guide you through meditations. Or, you know, roll out a meditation mat and start meditating like you don't. It doesn't have to be that complex. It can literally just be like, I'm gonna sit on my desk chair at my desk, hands on heart on belly, take a deep breath through my nose, exhale slowly through my mouth, I'm reminding my body that I'm safe, and now I'm moving on with my day, and that's it. Yeah, I love

Eric MacDougall
that. And I think, you know, the last part here is really taking ownership of your choices. I think some of the scariest stuff that people have to face is this understanding that you are choosing to continue to be on the hamster wheel, right? Like, we do this a lot, but like, we have to really recognize that. Like, you know, our son plays hockey, our daughter does crafts. You have work. I have work. We're doing a lot of stuff. We do this podcast. Like, these are all things we choose to do. Like, we're not victims of this, no. And so this idea that, like, I have to remember myself, God, I hate my son's hockey. He's doing it two times a week, three times a week. Like, that's a choice that you made. You're doing this because your son loves doing this, and you're getting him on team sports you're doing, so like, reframe the way you're thinking about your life, like you are not a victim of your life. Yes, right? You are choosing to do that. Your kids are not to blame for your exhaustion. Yeah, if you're unable to take time for yourself, right? When you're a parent, well, that's a choice that you're making because of your own guilt, because your own shame, because of your own you know, busyness or need to be in control. And so this is really something that's important to think about. Is that, you know, how do I prevent myself from slowing down? What are the stories that I tell myself, like, how am I actively staying on the hamster wheel? And most of us, we don't even want to face that, we don't even want to admit that we are like, powerful enough to change things, but instead, we like the victim space because it's like a warm blanket, right? It's like, oh, I'm a victim of it all. I can't because X, Y and Z, well, sure, that prevents you from taking action, but in the end, you just feel powerless and stuck, right? And so stop blaming other people. You are not a victim of your life, right? You are a powerful human being who can make small steps. Just like you're talking about, in order to change things, and over time, those things are going to compound and make a massive impact on the way you show up for yourself, on the way you show up for the people you love, and on the way that you engage with the world, right, in a way that is much more fulfilling, and really is a life well, lived,