How to Reconnect After a Fight

Join Kate & Eric as they dive deep into Vulnerability and how to navigate and repair relationships post-conflict.

Topics: 
➡️ Exploring the emotional landscape of coming back together after a fight, focusing on vulnerability when feeling defensive.
➡️ The challenge of reconnection post-conflict, examining the roles of the instigator and the receiver in arguments. 
➡️ Attachment styles and their influence on conflict resolution and relationship dynamics.

Celebrate love and laughter this Valentine's Day with Kate and Eric at their special Couples' Yoga session—reconnect and rekindle your spark! https://www.evolvedmarriage.com/yoga

Book Your Breakthrough Plan

FREE RESOURCE - The Communication & Connection Blueprint

TRANSCRIPT:

I'm glad that this topic is being done today based on a kind of a listener comment. So for those you guys who listen us on Spotify or send us emails, you know, we often get a lot of comments of like, hey, what about this? And how to do that, and blah, blah, blah. And I think this is on Spotify.

Yeah, somebody commented said, Um, can you do an episode on vulnerability, especially around coming back after a fight, after an argument, like, how to be vulnerable when you got your tail between your legs and you're like, Oh, I messed up, or I'm not feeling nice or guarded,

yeah, right, feeling very protective. Yeah, certainly. I'm sure everyone has felt that way at some point in a relationship,

whether you're the one who may be messed up during the argument, or maybe you're the one who was maybe more

for lack of better words, like the victim of the argument, you know, like the person. Kind of came at you with, with, you know, like you were on the receiving end, exactly the receiving end. And so it can be very vulnerable to come back and to, you know, want to connect with your spouse again. Or, you know, what do I do? Like now I'm feeling like that awkward. Like, look like, I know for me, after arguments, I get this, like, stomach ache, I just feel, like, uncomfortable, and I just want to, like, fix it right away, like, get rid of this icky feeling in my body. Like, I just want to go back to normal, like, take that back. Yeah, and I think

there's so much at play here that, you know, might be hard to encapsulate in a 30 minute episode. Like, because the way that you approach this is really going to be different based on your attachment styles, based on your relationship, based on your belief systems about right and wrong, right, that idea of feeling vindicated like sometimes, I can imagine that a person who has been attacked, who has been on a receiving end of something that doesn't feel good, right, maybe the partner was talking down to them, insulting them, whatever that, it would be a very comfortable and justified stance to say, I didn't do anything wrong. They have to do something. They have to come to me. They have to repair. Yeah, and you know, I think sometimes we get stuck in these cycles in relationships, especially in long term relationships, where you end up where, like, you're having arguments, and nothing ever gets repaired for whatever reason, right? One person thinks that it's not up to them to initiate repair. I didn't do anything wrong. And maybe the other person is like, I just want to sweep this under the rug. Like, you know, maybe they don't think they did anything wrong, right? There's some people who literally yell at

their partners, yeah. Or some people like, I know for me, a lot of times, the reason I'm not repairing is because I have this idea of, like, can we just, like, put this behind us? Like, can we just go back to like, either ignoring a problem or not talking about it or pretending everything's okay? Like, I preferred it that way than now having to face something uncomfortable, whether, like, you're like, Hey, Kate, I want to talk to you about something. I've been feeling this way, and it's not a feeling I want to feel, or whether it's, you know, just you're frustrated about whatever. And the reason I'm talking about you is because in a relationship, I don't really open up about much, because I I like to keep the peace, and I like to not talk about things, and that's very detrimental to our relationship. And it's not necessary, necessarily the most healthy thing for me to just repress feelings, not talk about things, pretend they don't exist. It leads to a lot of disconnect in the end, and it leads to a lot of anger and resentment. And not talking about things is not moving the needle forward, because whether or not I want to accept it, the resentment is there, the anger is there, and by not talking about it, there's nothing you can do about it,

like, yeah, and I think this is important to acknowledge. And you know, it sounds like we're jumping into it, because, you know, for you, your stance, your adaptation, is avoidance, right? Like the avoidant attachment, as opposed to me, my stance is to move in, to go closer, to figure this out, right? Which is, could be known as anxious or even disorganized attachment, if you're kind of all over the place now. So when we're out of our secure attachment, we're out of that wise adult and we move into these adaptations. There's a reason we're doing this, and I don't know if this is true for you. You can tell me, but in that moment, based on, you know, a lot of the knowledge and the literature out there is that somebody who's avoiding attachment in those moments, their priority is not connection, no. So in those moments, when you're like, I'm not gonna bring this up and we're just gonna move away from it, your priorities not connection. Your priority becomes somehow,

yeah, definitely comfort, definitely safety. Comfort, which equals safety to me, yeah, if I'm comfortable, if I don't have to face anything uncomfortable, then I feel safe.

Yeah? So your adaptation becomes, you know? And again, if you're like, a the if you kind of relate to this, and relate to kind of, okay, there's nothing wrong with this, like, it's just a way that, in this

case, the way I show up in the world, that's the way I show up. Learned

that that's how you kept people close, yes, right, close to the to the sense that it was comfortable for you, right? And so that's really important, because some some listeners out there, like, yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. Like, why do you always have to talk about this negative shit? Why do you always have to bring up fights? Well, if that's your stance, it's probably because you have a little more avoidant attachment, right? Where you don't want to be vulnerable, you don't want to lean in, you don't want to open yourself up. And you learn that over time based on the relationships you created in childhood, right? It wasn't safe to open up. It wasn't safe to talk about your feelings, right? Is that making sense so far? Yeah, for

sure. And then for you, it would be more because you have more of an anxious attachment style. You're like, there's a problem we're facing yet right now, because you're afraid of. Lost. You're afraid that if you don't fix it now, then this is going to last forever, and then you're going to leave me and we're not going to ever face this. And so our two attachment styles together, they kind of butt heads.

It's like, I'm like, avoid it, and you're like, face it head on. And I'm like, Oh my God. And makes me want to run away and hide, and it makes you come, like, stronger and faster, too, towards me, which makes me want to retreat even more. And so it's just this, like, you know, push and pull, kind of like the tug of war game, but I'm, like, being dragged along. You're just bullying me. Yeah,

I think we can talk a little bit about, you know, how to move into that after an argument or a fight. You know, one of the things I want to bring up that really hit me yesterday, you know, was so we had been through disconnection cycle lately, and we're kind of still in the middle of repairing certainly, I'm feeling a bit guarded, you know, tussling a bit. And I'm like, avoid, avoid. Yeah, exactly. And so that creates this system then where I'm kind of like, okay, like, you know, we'll see how Kate's doing. I'll open up slowly, but if she's not willing to kind of reach back at me and open up back to me, well then the repair is not going to happen. And that's my story, right? My fear. And I can imagine from your side of things, it's like, if Eric brings this up, that means that repairs, not like, like, hasn't happened. So let's just make sure that he doesn't bring it up, and then, yeah, like, just move through and pretend like things are okay, yeah.

And lately, like, we've been busy, right? We've been, you know, working on the bathroom, working on the office, working on all kinds of stuff. And to me, that's very comfortable because I'm, like, too busy to talk about it. Don't have to bring it up, don't? He's not going to bring it up because he's busy. So just, you know, keep busy, keep busy. Keep busy. And and that's making us grow apart. It's making us grow further apart. And what I know would be the healthy thing to do is like, Hey, Eric, I know you want to work on the bathroom right now, but I think we there's something we need to talk about, yeah and,

and I think I agree, and I think that in those moments, the challenging part for you is to reach into yourself and really connect to that part, which you have learned as an adaptation, to shut down right like you have to actually go against your programming to open up Yeah. And this kind of happened. This is why I'm bringing up this thing. Because I was just like, in bed yesterday, and you had said a comment that created a lot of sadness in me, but just like, really put into terms of, like, wow. Like, we are so different, right? And again, it's not like, a bad thing, like, I'm not right here, Kate's not right. It's not like, well, you need to do my way. It's yeah, it's we each have our own ways, and then we figure out how to work it together, yeah? And it's messy and it's uncomfortable, yeah.

And I think understanding that our ways are different is one of the healthiest thing, and accepting that, like, I'm not going to change Eric. I can't make him avoid conflict. I can't make him, you know, be quiet and and shut down when there is this, like, elephant lingering in the room. He will bring it up. I know that, so I have learned that that's Eric. I can't change him, and as uncomfortable as it makes me, because I would kill to, like, not have to face another conversation or an argument, because it's so uncomfortable.

But I know that that's Eric. And because I know that that's Eric, it doesn't threaten me as much anymore. Before understanding that about you, I was like, Oh, he's so like, he just won't let this go. Like, what's wrong with him? Like, why can't you just let things go? Like, I've got over this, like, months ago, and you're still at it. Like, holy, like, are you gonna pout for the rest of your life? Like, and I know friends who are like that too, or they're more like you, and they're like, I'm still pouting about it. And my husband's like, Well, why won't she just get over it? Why doesn't she just get over it? And I'm like, Oh, I get what your husband's going through. Because I'm that. I'm like, please just get over it. Let's please stop talking about it. This argument was, like, literally, two days ago, and you're still dwelling on it. Like, I've put this in the back of my mind so far. I don't even remember we even have an argument two days ago

well, and I think that's, you know, understanding that that is an adaptation. Because this is what I think people get stuck in. They're like, Well, that's good. Like, it's good that, you know, you're able to move through it and not bring it up all the time. And it's like, well, sometimes it's good, yeah, sometimes it's not good, you know, I mean, and, and so it's not about judging who's doing what, yeah, it's about understanding what it is they're doing and how it serves them, yeah, and then kind of expanding that, you know, sure, it serves you in the moment, but does it serve you long term? Because exactly the comment that you had said yesterday, we went to bed together, and it was funny, like, this kind of the dichotomy, the difference between what was happening is that you were like, huh, like, this is the first time that we had gone to bed together in like, 30 days and and my immediate response was, you. Know what I said? I said we went to bed together yesterday. Yeah, right. And then you can kind of

forgot I did, but it was different. It was like, yesterday, like you turned over and kissed me, and like, every other day I just, like, would fall asleep, like you, you'd like, Come to bed, but you were, like, reading or whatever, doing something else, and like, not really paying attention to me. And then I kind of say, like, good night. And you'd be like, hey, good night. Yeah. It's like, true, yeah. But like, yesterday, turned over and reached and kissed me. And I was like, Whoa. That's a first in a while. So you responded

to me in that and you said exactly, so you tell me if I'm wrong here. But the response to me saying, Well, we went to bed last night together, which to me, was, like, very factual, like you said we had money. Well, I remember coming to bed with you because I was intentional about coming to bed with you because you talked about how important that is for you. Yeah. Important that is for you, and your response was, Well, we just hadn't been connected emotionally this way in a really long time, like 30 days. And I was like it to me, in my mind, that was like boggling to me, because what I said back to you was you went 30 days knowing that we hadn't had an emotional connection and never said anything about it, yep. And, you know, at first it was like, you know you're saying yes now, because I think we kind of talked through it. But there was these hints, right? There was these like, little things, yeah?

Like, I throw chabs Here and there. Like, I miss going to bed, yeah, miss you. I miss spending time with you? Yeah, there's a lot of like, hinting, but there's no like, Eric, there's no talk to you about something. Can I open up about something I'm really hurt, talking about my feelings, talking about the impact it has on me. It's just little like, tidbits of information, like, and it's funny, because, like, it's the equivalent of a kid coming up to you and being like, I'm hungry. And you're like, Okay. Like, that's what I'm doing. It's like, I miss going to bed with you. And it's like, okay, like, there's no request there. There's no you know, how does that make you feel? Like, okay, we're not going to bed together. Thank you for that factual information. Like, I've noticed that too. Like, there's no like me asking or putting myself out there or vulnerability for sure, and like, yesterday, yeah, I wanted to argue tooth and nail because I was like, No, I don't want to be wrong here. But like, no, no, I didn't. I did not bring it up. Do you remember what happened next? I turned over and fell asleep. Yeah, yeah. We didn't talk about it. Well, yeah, no, I didn't say anything. No, I know, but I don't say anything because I feel awkward. I feel like,

ah, like, so I think this is really important. And again, like that, for for anybody listening, this is an it's not up to me to tell you what to do. No, Kate, I'm talking to Kate here. It's not up to me to tell you what to do. Whatever you want. What I have to acknowledge is that in the end, you get to decide how vulnerable you want to be, and I have to create relationship with that. Again, if I want, I choose to create relationship with that. Yesterday, when you, when I, when I opened up and I said, Hey, that's kind of it's kind of weird, like for me, when when I feel emotionally disconnected you, I open up. And I kind of have been trying to open up and reach for you, yes, but I'm not feeling there's a lot of reciprocity, because the night before I had opened up to you, yeah, vulnerably, and I talked about

a lonely often this week, you have Yeah, and there's

not a lot of like, you then being vulnerable with me. So there's, like, not a lot of reciprocity. And so in those moments, like when you fell asleep yesterday, I was in deep pain, yeah, I was deeply hurt. Yeah, you know what I mean? I can understand

because you had put yourself out there. You had made, I, I made a comment which probably shocked you and hurt you. And at the same time was you were like, Whoa, we are on two different planets right now. And that was it. There was no like, care for your feelings. There was no acknowledgement of what that comment, what impact that comment might have had on you. And there was also no vulnerability, for my part, it was just like a jab comment, and then, okay, good night. Like, yeah. That might

not even have meant to be. I mean, I don't know. It really was. Maybe it wasn't. It was just like a statement that you threw out in the world without thinking, and then no engagement after right? That's kind of like where I feel lost being the anxious attachment partner. You know, when I'm not feeling uncomfortable, it's like you throw this statement, but it's a very loaded statement about something very important, which is one month of you feeling emotionally disconnected to me, and then kind of that brings up my anxiety. And like, oh, like, can we talk about this? But there's, it's like, no, you know, I kind of been thrown out. I'm like, Yeah, well, I feel disconnected. I don't. You think it's more to say things when we're feeling disconnected. You're like, yeah, I guess so. And so it's not like, I really don't want the listener. And I hope you know, I guess you can take it however you want, but my intention is not to judge you in your emotional state, no,

and I'm not taking it that way. I understand that you understand where I'm coming from. I also understand that you're in a like we're both in a state in our relationship, where. Like, yeah, this is how Kate is. This is how I am. But like, you think that about yourself, I think that about myself. But this doesn't necessarily mean that it's the right way to be, and for me, it's I know that if I want to get rid of this pit in my stomach, this like discomfort, this feeling of like, oh, that I've had for months now, because we have been disconnected for a long while, and we haven't talked about it. And every time you bring it up, I'm like, right away, I need to face that head on. I need to go against everything in my head that's going don't do it. If I say don't do it, I need to do it, because I know that that is the only way we can move through this discomfort. And same for you. Whenever you get that instinct to like jump in and like solve something, or try to like push me to like have a conversation, it's like you also have to go against the instinct to like, push harder, push further, push, push, push, push, push. And you need to, like, pull back a little bit and say, and what you have been doing and say, Listen, she's not ready to talk. I'm gonna have to give her some time. Gonna have to give her some more time. And then you, as a spouse, can choose how much time you're willing to give. So

as you're listening to this, you know you might feel like you're one or in both partners. In the situation where you're like, I've been on contact both sides of this, you might be in it right now. The first thing to understand about vulnerability is it takes courage, right? There is no vulnerable repair after a fight without courage and without accepting that it's gonna be uncomfortable. Yes. So that's the first state, you know. And in this case, for Kate and I, right, Kate being the void and me being the anxious, we both have to deal with our own levels of discomfort, like you said, you know, yesterday, when I was in bed and you had turned over and fell asleep like you were literally, like I could hear you breathing like you were asleep, obviously, and I could feel myself breathing in you, right? Yeah, you were sorry. Again, louder, so, so. But all to say is that every bone in my body wanted to be like, like, yeah. Like, wait, we're talking about this, yeah. We're dealing with an older

right would have 100% Yeah, old Eric would have gone against every single natural instinct in your body to be like, wake up. Yeah, dealing with it, yeah. But instead, you were like, No, Eric, no, this is not going to help anything. It's not going to do anything. And as much as you want to do this, because every part of you, your natural part of you, is like, we're doing this, you had to go against that programming, yeah. And now what happens? And that was very courageous of you, because in your body, you're like, if we don't figure this out, now we're doomed well, and I just won't

really want to break it down before we keep moving. So I'll break down this step, and then you can keep taking, the reins here, because so the first step really is to get very clear as to why making the scary, courageous choice matters right. Just very clear, because in the moment, if my priority was to be right, to be heard, to get you to do what I want you to do, etc, those are all like very limiting things and do not serve my long term goals, which are love and connection and security in our marriage, and to be able to work together, to grow and to do challenging things, right? That's kind of like my big picture thing. And so in that moment, I have to get very clear about that, right? Because that is what's going to give me the strength to kind of go against my own internal programming. So because that moment, it's like, well, you know, I don't want to yell at Kate right now, because yelling at Kate and telling her what to do and telling her how she needs to be different will not move me closer to love and connection, not only this weekend, but probably, like this week and maybe long term, if I just don't change, right? And so I have to then decide based on what my big picture is which is a secure relationship, where we can open up and talk, where we can have a really great conversation. I have to make the choice to soothe myself in this moment and not wake Kate up at 11 o'clock at night and then maybe talk to her tomorrow and say, Hey, I just really want to take 10 minutes to just talk about what's on my heart. Are you free for that, etc, and and decide to bring it up at a time that feels more appropriate than 11 o'clock at night, when I'm like, vibrating at such a high frequency. And

sometimes for you, that is a very good step. And I think for a lot of anxious people, I anxious attachment people out there is it is very important for you to digest your feelings a little bit before puking them on your spouse. Because what we've noticed in our dynamic is if you speak right away, or if you keep going with that feeling, and you keep just pushing it, pushing it, pushing it, it gets it can get mean and it can get aggressive and. Can get very, like, intense, very quickly. And me as a a avoidant. I'm like, that pushes me way further. Like, I'm like, running a marathon away from you. I'm like, holy, get as far away as possible from this person, and then it takes me forever to come back. I'm like, a, like, a beaten little dog, like, Oh my God. Like, and you really, it's not, it's nothing like you're just it's just, to me, my the threshold, threshold for discomfort, and we've had an episode on this in the past, is very low. It's just like my discomfort is like, yeah, conflict avoidance. I have no no patience, no how. What's the word? I'm tolerance for tolerance for it.

So what do you tell yourself in order to take that vulnerable step after conflict? I

think for me, it's, I think it takes me a little while to realize this, to be in this mindset of finding to do something about it. And you know, I'm I'm hoping that eventually won't take this long to get here, but I need to remember that like there's something bigger than my discomfort out here. It's our connection, our relationship, you know, our our you know, just us being together is more important than me feeling comfortable. And also, if I can get through that and through the discomfort, I need to remind myself that, yes, it's going to be uncomfortable for a few minutes, but it will feel much better after knowing that I got through it. And now the disconnection is starting to, like, dissipate, versus continuing to sit in it, because, to be honest, like, yes, like, I say 30 days, like, whatever I give or take, but it's just like, there's been this, like ick feeling in our relationship for a while now. And I feel it. You feel it. I know you feel you've felt it because you've tried to bring it up a million times, and I haven't brought it up yet, and it's because I'm continuing to repress it, repress it, repress it. It's not there, it's not there, it's not there. Keep busy. Keep busy. Pretend it's non existent. But in the end, it is there. There's there's that constant pit in my stomach, there's a constant headache. It's starting to come out physically in my body, where, like I can physically sense the discomfort in my body, and I know that's coming from me, not talking about it, and I know, and I have to remind myself in those moments, if you just step over that discomfort threshold, if you can just make yourself uncomfortable and do it, just talk to Eric and say, Hey, this is what's happening. Happened a little bit the other night, like a kind of like a toe in the water didn't go well for me in my head, and that's kind of my own thoughts and beliefs. And I was, like, scared me, and now I'm like, back in my corner, like, Oh, don't talk about it anymore. But I know I need to do it again. I need to really, like, if

we're talking about, like, actionable skills, I really appreciate you sharing all that, and it's clear how tough this is for you. And so I appreciate you kind of bringing this here and opening up about it, I really want to give the listeners some actual steps, which is really important. And it's even something that I often tell you, that I think a lot of us as humans, we just disregard. But you know, if you are in a situation where you're not feeling good, and you have done the first step of bringing enough awareness to be like, Okay, this is clearly what I want and and because you said something earlier, that I want to maybe touch on. But again, we don't have a lot of time here, because I want to wrap this up. But the idea that, like, well, I want to be together, so I have to do this thing can be a bit of a like a catch 22 because if you are together, then there's no sense doing it. And so in this case, like we've talked, yeah, if you're like, Well, I just want to make sure that I'm married to Eric. Well, it's like, well, then as long as we're married and there's no threat of ending the relationship, you don't have to do anything. And so this is the idea of leverage and all that stuff. So I don't want to get too deep into that, but let's say you do get to a place where you're like, Okay, I have to take this courageous action. I have to be vulnerable. Oftentimes, what happens is we go immediately to, like, the big deadlift. So in this case, you're like, I have to be vulnerable with Eric. But that might actually be in this moment like an insurmountable step for you, right? So what actually could help in those situations, and this is something I recommend. This is why we do stuff in the men's group. This is why we surround ourselves with people who are healthy and open and honest. Is that, you know, in that moment, having you reach out, or having having the listeners reach out to somebody they love and trust to be vulnerable with them, right? The problem is, is that we don't actually trust anyone in our life to receive this, right? And this is especially avoiding attachment people, but getting to a place where it's like, Hey, I'm gonna actually call a friend that I trust and I'm gonna be vulnerable with them here. Is what's going on. I haven't been felt good for a month here. I'm not feeling good in general. Feeling really disconnect to Eric. I don't want to bring it up. I don't know how to bring it up, and just like talking through it with a friend that you trust, maybe it's your parent, maybe it's your brother, maybe it's your therapist, like, who knows, right? But you have to be able to get it out, because once you put it out in the world, the act of vulnerability will create clarity for you, and this is where a lot of people just avoid. That's why people stay stuck in these cycles forever, right? And so if you want to repair and if you want to bring connection back after an argument, you have to open up and be vulnerable, right? You have to say, this is what was going on for me, and I'm sorry I made this mistake, and I own up to my side of the street. All that is vulnerability. And if you are unwilling to do that right now, it's possible that your tolerance for the disconnection you're experiencing just hasn't extended to a place where you're actually uncomfortable enough. Because some people, I mean, I've met couples who were together for 25 years, yeah, and they haven't felt connected for 25 years. Yeah, their tolerance insanely high. And so oftentimes you have to ask yourself, you know, why is this stance that I'm taking right now serving me? And will it actually serve me long term, right? Does that make sense? Yeah,

absolutely it makes sense. And I think that realizing that you can talk to somebody else about it, and you can start by opening up to someone else and maybe brainstorming with another person will make you feel like, huh, this isn't going to be as scary as I thought. Like, and sometimes, and I've done that before, where I've talked to a girlfriend and she's like, well, just bring it up. Just say something like, I don't think you'll be mad about that. Like, I've talked to my husband. To my husband about that before, and it's totally fine. Like, I think this is totally normal. And I think, like, every couple goes through this, and you're like, rain, I'm making like a mountain out of molehill here in my in my head, and I'm just making a huge deal out of this. And really, all it is, is just saying, like, Eric, I miss you, like I want to hang out with you, and I really miss wanting to hang out with you, but, you know, here's kind of the things that have been stopping me from wanting to hang out with you, and this is kind of what I need. And then it's like, oh, wow, I did it. And once that floodgate is open, once that like, that dam has been knocked down, like it's gonna start coming out, and it's gonna be much easier than we anticipate. But I love the idea of, like, starting to talk to somebody who you feel you know is maybe not as threatening, because then it's not that you're a threatening person. It's just that, you know, me opening up to you might cause discomfort in our relationship. Might make it even more uncomfortable. It's a high stakes relationship, exactly. So if I talk to a friend about it, who like, whether or not I, you know, say something about you to her, it's not going to change our relationship. It's not going to change anything. It's just gonna allow me to start that conversation. And just starting that conversation is going to lead to a sense of comfort, which then is going to help me be able to open up to you.

Yeah, yeah. So I love that. So as we're kind of like wrapping it up, this is really how we want you to think about it, right? Is, first of all, create awareness of your side of the street, and start to think about, you know, the benefits of you opening up, right? That's kind of the big picture. What type of relationship you want, what type of person you want to be, what type of partner you want to be, etc, and then taking that courageous step, and if you feel like that's too much to do with your partner, do it with somebody you trust, right? And then through that process of opening up, talking about it, because a lot of us don't even do this. Lot of us don't even open up to others,

right? Yeah? We feel a sense of discomfort, and we just sit on it, yeah. And if you can't open up to

like a friend that you love and trust, about something genuine, not just about like blaming your partner all the time, but about something genuine, about how you feel, it's gonna be very hard to do it in your high stakes relationships.