How to Get More of What You Want and Need in your Marriage

Kate & Eric explore effective ways to advocate for personal needs and improve communication in relationships.

Topics:
➡️ Expressing Personal Needs: Learn the importance of clearly communicating your desires in relationships.
➡️ Deeper Desires Behind Wants: Discover the underlying emotional needs behind your expressed wants.
➡️ Strategies for Fulfillment: Get practical advice on advocating for your needs without blame and fostering deeper connections.

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TRANSCRIPT:

Eric MacDougall
Today, we want to talk about what's often preventing us from number one advocating for our needs. And if you are a person who's advocating for your needs, and they're not being met, really to understand maybe why that's happening. So we can help you not only get clear about your wants, your desires, your needs, but actually help your partner,

Kate MacDougall
you're gonna want to save this one, your favorites to go back on again and again, make it happen.

Eric MacDougall
So, so first, you know, one of the big things that I want to acknowledge is that people have trouble expressing their wants, their desires, their needs, and

Kate MacDougall
I just, I love the term advocating, like, You are the only person on this entire planet, who knows exactly what it is you want. Nobody else in this world does. And I feel like when we get into relationship, all of a sudden we have, we think like our spouse is like connected to our brain, and they have this psychic ability to read our mind. It's like, No, you are the only person in this world who can ask for what it is you want. And who can know exactly what that is.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, yeah. I love that. And I do think that you need to take responsibility for advocating for your own needs. I think not only in relationship, I mean, let's be real, we're always in relationship. You know, even if you're single, you're in relationship at work and relationships in these areas of your life. Relationships. And you're right, yeah, and but really to understand, like, it's your responsibility to get clear about what it is you want you desire you need. And then I mean, if you want to experience those things, it's your responsibility to move towards creating that, right. And so now I know a lot of you listeners were all What am I supposed to do? Like, I want to have sex? My wife doesn't have sex me right now. Am I supposed to force her? No, absolutely. Right. But what we want is actually when you start to go deeper into what drives a lot of these things you think you want and need, you actually start to get much more clear about what the actual desire is. And then you can realize, like, oh, there's actually a whole bunch of different ways that I can provide for this desire. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
exactly. And I was just about to say that there's like two types of people in this world. There's people who know exactly what they want, or they think they know exactly what they want. But they don't realize that there's probably something deeper, there's something under that want, that they truly, truly desire. You know, it's like on the surface, I want to have more sex. What I truly desire is more connection being seen being you know, my wife and I, and my husband and I, in this case, stopping and I actually having a moment of no distractions together. That's truly my desire here. I know what happens during sex, I'm gonna ask for sex, but my desire is, the other thing is spending time and stopping. And then there's the other humans in this world. And we'll go further into what I just said. But then there's the other humans in this world, me guilty, who have no flippin idea what they even freaking won. And then you sit in therapy for a couple hours, and they're like, no, just tell me what it is you want. And you're like, I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know how to figure it out. That's me. Yeah. And I think what you're saying don't even want to think about it because I get frustrated. I don't know what I want. I don't know how

Eric MacDougall
exactly stop asking me. I don't want to tell you and and so I think you know, for those listeners who maybe understand emotion intelligence at a really high level, I really want to remind everybody, that the only reason we do anything you know Our lives is to experience an altered state of being. And again, not to get too wound here. Alright, so slack god, my brain just shut off this is the this is the important part to understand is that every single thing that your want desire or trying to move towards are trying to experience whatever at its core is all because you think it's going to either remove a feeling that's uncomfortable, or create a feeling that is great to experience, euphoric, whatever you wanna call it. And so this is literally how we do life. And so you believe that if you get a promotion at your job, that'll give you more money. And by having more money, you'll be less stressed about money, right. And so you're going to be able to remove the stress by getting a promotion. Now, there's plenty of other ways you could learn to reduce your stress about money. But in this case, you're like, No, I need a promotion. And so unless I get the promotion, I cannot remove this feeling. And so that's a really great example of understanding how you think your circumstances will lead to a feeling. And if you understand that, like, if you just understand that about life, your whole life will change. Because we all spend most of our time trying to generate circumstances or create circumstances to feel a certain way. If my wife only had sex with me, then I would feel this way. Or I would think this way about our relationship, I would feel secure in our relationship. And I would stop feeling so anxious about our relationship. And so in order to lower my anxiety, and calm myself and feel peace, about our relationship, my wife needs to have sex with me. Yeah, right. And that's a great example of kind of the loop you find yourself in, big part of the problem is that your wife will have sex with you, you'll feel secure for about a day or two, and then that security will be gone. And then you have to have sex again. And that's how you get into board functioning. and that's a great example of how like, a circumstance will not solve the feeling you're trying to solve. Just like, you know, no amount of money will help you remove your beliefs about money, until you decide to face those beliefs and understand where they come from. Right. Plenty of people who are billionaires still freak out and are stressed out about money all the time. And people who have hardly any money, don't stress out about money. Does that make sense?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. Love it. That was their TED talk. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
so I just wanna, I just wanted to understand that. But yeah, just to say that, like, most of the time, when you want something, it's to change a feeling state in your body. And so when you think about that, then you can think about what it is I want, and why I want it. We use this, like, in all the coaching that I do, when we really get down to the nitty gritty, we always say forget about the how, what's the what and the why. So what is it that you want, that's most likely going to be either than circumstance? Or if you're pretty advanced, you're going to talk about a feeling state. Right? Which is like, I want to feel peace. I want to feel freedom. Yeah, but I still feel

Kate MacDougall
you've got listeners who are like, you're gonna be like, I want sex. And it's like, that's great.

Eric MacDougall
So that's the what? So I want sex. Right, right. And then so you can keep going with it. And again, just play with the what and the why here is a great example. What is it about sex that you desire? Right? And then it's like, well, I like it. Okay, what is it that you like about sex? And again, we're always in the what, right? What, what, what we're going deep, deep, deep, deep specifics, but to the till you're like, you know, I want sex because the feeling I experienced during sexual connection, is this feeling of freedom? Right? And then so it's like, why do you want it? Well, now you've already kind of capsulated it? Why do I want it? I want it because I feel super stressed out of my life. And having sex in this moment is a way that I can connect and feel free at the same time. It's like life disappears when I have sex. Right? And so I want to experience more of that on a regular basis. Yeah, fantastic. Now you've gotten really clear about why it is you want sex. But even more important, you've gotten clear on actually what you want, which is you want to essentially get a break from your life. And sex provides that for you. There's plenty of other things you can do the provide that for you. Right, right. And so

Kate MacDougall
and I think it's, I think you could even for somebody who is more like me, who was like, What do you want? And I'm like, I don't even know. I don't know, I think I could like, go from the top down instead of going from the top, the bottom up, bottom up, instead of going from the top down anyway. Like, if I am feeling a certain way, like I'm not feeling good, or I'm feeling like extremely excited about something or whatever. Like, there's this feeling inside of me. I could say to myself, well, what is it that I desire right now to either keep this feeling or to either, you know, change this feeling? And then starting that questioning?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I think that would be a good thing to do. I think also, it's very challenging for people to connect to what they want, if they spend most of their time prioritizing others. Yeah. So you know, I'll give you a perfect example. I don't know what you can tell me if this is true for you, but Did you know In those moments when a therapist or somebody is asking you like what you want, I wonder if you're actually able to slow down and connect and kind of create space to be like, give me five minutes to think about it here. And I'll get back to you. Or if what comes up is like, I need to give you an answer. You're asking me a question, and I need to give you an answer. Right

Kate MacDougall
answer exactly. And if I say, you know, I want chocolate ice cream, and then she brings me chocolate ice cream, then I'm like, Yeah, that's not. That's not even what I wanted. That's not what I wanted. I just said that, because I didn't really know what else

Eric MacDougall
right. And I didn't, you know, so it's like, because I didn't know what answer you wanted. Yeah. I just said, I don't know. Yeah. And that's like, that's people who have disconnected to their own sense of desire. And a lot of people like this. Yeah. Like, again,

Kate MacDougall
I didn't know. And I think honestly, I think this is like, I don't want to generalize, but I think a lot of women, probably especially mothers, have disconnected to that a lot of my girlfriends, I'll talk to you about that. Like, I don't even know what I want. I don't even know what I want. And they're like me, either. Yeah, that's like, we've all kind of lost ourselves. 98%

Eric MacDougall
of your brain is being taken up by taking care of your kids, making sure your husband's provided for taking care of work being a woman, like, you know what I mean? And I think that's, that's a big thing, even especially for men, right? If they're like, Well, what do I want? I'm gonna make sure my family is safe. I want to make sure, but it's like, okay, sure. That's, that's awesome. That's important. But like, just you in a vacuum? Yeah, like, if you were to just to think about, you know, me, Eric, the man. Like, what do I want as an individual? Yeah. Right. Like, don't talk about your family. Don't talk about your friends don't talk

Kate MacDougall
about about the career don't what if I do get this? And yeah, yeah. And so

Eric MacDougall
to be really be able to connect to that, that takes skill. And so that's the first step. Because a lot of people if you're not able to do this, well, don't just keep going around telling everybody what you want. If it's a bunch of random stuff you don't even know. Right? It's not like throw paint on a wall and hope, see what sticks. Yeah, right. You can do that in yourself and be like, oh, I want more hobbies. So I'll try this new hobby and this new hobby, that's great. But what's actually really destructive? Is you continuing to go to your partner asking what you want. They provide it for you. And then you're it's not bringing up what you want, like the sensation. Yeah. And so what do you do you keep going to your partner for different things. And that's how you get to a place where your partner is like, I've been spending 10 years giving you what I thought you wanted, and you're not like it's not working. And so I'm just actually done giving. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
and it's in the end, it's you are never actually clear on what you wanted. You thought you were being clear, you were asking for things. But you never did the work to figure out like, what is it that I truly want here? When I'm asking my husband? Well, what do you want? What would make you happy? Oh, more dates. Okay, what do you want? That didn't work? What do you want? What will make you happy? Oh, you know, you're by me random surprises, has been started buying random surprises. That doesn't work. What do you want? What made you happy? Oh, more trips has been does that more trips than more time with friends? Does that none. Still in the end? You're like, I'm still unfulfilled? Yeah. Well, it's because you weren't asking for the right things. You weren't doing the work to look at deeply, deeply. What is it that I want to know?

Eric MacDougall
What type of date do you want? What feelings do you want experience on the date? Well,

Kate MacDougall
not even that it's it's maybe it wasn't even the date that was just like a chocolate ice cream answer. Like, what do you want a date? A date? It's like a, you know, it's an answer, like a textbook answer. Yeah. Right. It's just like, well, I'm in a marriage, I guess that would make sense that I would want to date so a date. Yeah. So say that the

Eric MacDougall
first part because I want to move on here. But like, the first part is like, hey, let's get clear. But what is actually I want us the what and the why idea, right? I've been what exactly do I want? Why do I want it? The second piece is, you need to essentially take action and understand either how you're preventing yourself from perceiving this, experiencing this, or what you need to do to create it. And this is really about you taking ownership because a lot of people are not aware of how or maybe they are aware, but they hate to admit it. But you know, they essentially sabotage themselves from having what they want. Yeah, right. And we've talked about this before the podcast, you know, you mentioned we were kind of like ad libbing with it. But you kind of mentioned this idea of like, well, you know, I was like, Well, what is something that you want that you don't talk about a lot? You're like, I want more cuddles? Yeah. Right. And just kind of like that. I was like, Okay, well, what's preventing you from getting more cuddles? And you're like nothing? And I was like, Well, no, that doesn't make sense. Because if it was nothing we would be you would be satisfied the amount of couples Yeah, yeah. So Something's getting in the way and then you start to you start to unpack it, and you're like,

Kate MacDougall
Well, I'm not really asking for it. Yeah, and I don't

Eric MacDougall
want to be a burden on you. And when I see you and you're kind of busy, I don't ask for it. So I try to find the right opportunity.

Kate MacDougall
Sometimes I'm self conscious about my you know, my body or sometimes I'm self conscious about you know, my maybe my breath surely if I cuddle with him, is it gonna smell my breath? Yeah.

Eric MacDougall
Or also like you know, maybe you're self conscious of like if I cuddle with him is he is that going to create expectations within Eric of now it's gonna have To be more than cuddling, and so it's probably best if I just don't ask for cuddling, right. And so these are all great examples of how you know, in that moment you prevent yourself from experiencing more cuddles. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
and frankly, those thoughts happen before my desire. It's like, I mean, ascared nevermind. Yeah. You

Eric MacDougall
just think about cuddles. And then immediately you think about all the reasons why you should not ask for this exam, right? Yeah. And so, it I see everybody do this, like people are like, Oh, if I only have time to go to the gym, and it's like, Well, why don't you make time? It's like, I can't because of my kids. Because my wife because of this, but yeah, it's like, how many times have has it happened where like you're leaving the house or I'm leaving the house. This happens all the time. Like, I'm going to jujitsu like prime time, you know, we're like, done dinner, the bedtime routine starting because it's trying to get rambunctious. And you're like, and I'm like, see you later. You know, and it's like, I trust that you can do this, and you're a great mom, obviously, you got it handled. But the old me would have been like, Oh, I could see that. You know, it's tough for you at night. So I'm gonna cancel jujitsu and I'm gonna stay here, you know what I mean. And that doesn't, that's not good. That's me, essentially sacrificing my own wants and desires that I can provide. And

Kate MacDougall
in the end, that that creates resentment that creates pain that creates anger. And that's not healthy in a relationship, not at all. So when you advocate for your own desires, when you say, Hey, this is something I desire, you make a plan for it and stick to it. Well, you're gaining trust in yourself, your spouse is gaining trust in you. And you're probably going to be more likely to ask for things you desire. Again, if you guys can work together as a team to make those things happen.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And there's so many, like little nuances here that we're talking about, right? Like, if you think about, I want to, you know, have more connecting conversations with my partner, right? Well, a way that you probably prevent yourself from doing that is you maybe don't actually ask good questions. Right. And so you're just like, how was your day? Yeah, I mean, whatever, like, so maybe a way that you need to do something different is to learn better generative questions, and really seek to understand what are some things that let your partner up to have better conversations? Right. Your partner doesn't want to talk about why your relationships not working all the time. Right? Sucks. That's exhausting.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. But it also kind of goes back to what I was saying at the beginning is, if you want to have better conversations with your partner, don't just assume that your partner is going to know how to do that. Or that your partner all of a sudden is going to become a pro communicator? Like, if you want more communication, lead that yeah, be a person who knows how to have conversations. Be a person who does research on the internet, who finds cool questions to ask, and who asks those questions. You want to have better communication, don't just like send those brainwaves to your husband and hope that by magically, he's all of a sudden going to become like a person who has great conversations. If that's not the person he ever was,

Eric MacDougall
yeah, it's like, I want my partner to spend less time on our phone and spend more time with me. And the great way to do is just sit by her and stare at her judgment.

Kate MacDougall
or criticize and be like, Wow, you're on your phone again. Yeah, passive aggressive comments. That's gonna get you nowhere.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And so these are great examples. Right? And I get it, I get the frustration sometimes. Right.

Kate MacDougall
And isn't it Laura Doyle that says all the time, like, sharing your desires in a way that inspires? So if I want you off of your phone, instead of being like, can you get off your phone? And then going and sitting there in silence? Why not say, why not give give a carrot? You know, like, some Hey, do you want to get off your phone? We can play a game together. Yeah.

Eric MacDougall
Or not even don't even talk about the phone? Yeah, just do this thing. Come on, come do it. Like it's fun. And if it's fun, it's genuinely exciting. I'm sure your partner's really yeah,

Kate MacDougall
thank you. You know what I mean? Exactly. Most of the time we're on our phone, because we're bored anyways, yeah. And so if we had to do

Eric MacDougall
100%, so if you think the first step is like getting clear about exactly what you want, and need, and again, don't discount this, a lot of people are listening to this. And like, I know what I want need, honestly, do you really, really, I've talked to a lot of people, typically they say that we start to unpack it. And then we realize like, oh, actually, the thing I want to needed was not actually what I wanted or needed. And so take some time, get really clear about what you want to need, when you have what you want or need. Now start to ask yourself, How am I how do I prevent myself from having this right? Maybe the way that I view myself maybe that I've had my partner on a pedestal too much, maybe I think my partner's time is more valuable than mine. You know, one of the things that I often see in relationship is that, because if our partner is unwilling to provide what we want, we actually think that what we want is not true, right? So we're like, Well, what I want can't be real unless my partner agrees that it's real and normal. But it's possible that you want something and your partner's want to provide it for you. Right? Sometimes I'm like, you know, this perfect example is like if Kate and I are in the bedroom, and I'm like, I want to sex tonight. I want to really kick my wife sexually, and you're like, I'm not into it. That does not take away my desire to want to connect with Kate. And it's just like he doesn't want to. It's Oh, we're just different, you know? In this moment tonight, and so but I, what I see a lot of people is like, now they have to defend their want, they have to justify their want. And they said, Well, no, well, I just need to understand that like, the here's the reason I wanted and it's like, Dude, it's okay that you want it. It's totally okay that you want something and your partner is unwilling to provide it for you. Let's just start there that doesn't like invalidate the thing you want. So don't like, say like, oh, I guess I shouldn't want this anymore. Like, or I guess I, if my partner doesn't think it's okay, that I want this thing, I should just let it go. Right? Absolutely not. Right, this is what we're talking about in terms of advocating for yourself, especially in long term relationships, you're going through a place, we call gridlock, but you're gonna get to a place where what you want, your partner is not going to be willing to provide it for you. And then you have to kind of work through that. And the way to work through it is not to say, Okay, I guess nevermind, I'll let go of this thing that I want. Yeah, it's clearly important to ask for it again, you know what I mean? And so that's how you get into some pretty disconnecting cycles.

Kate MacDougall
And it's so funny, because oftentimes, you know, when you look at all your other relationships, you very rarely, like if you've asked for a promotion, or you've asked for a raise, not going to ask for it once and then give up, right? Like, you're probably going to Okay, shoot, like, I need to work harder for this raise if your boss is like, no. So you're going to prove yourself, you're going to put in more hours, you're going to really show up and you're going to really like, I'm going to I'm going to prove to this man or this woman boss person, that I deserve this race or this promotion. And then eventually, you may get it. But in relationships in our intimate relationships with our partner or spouse, like when we say, you know, I want sex and your partner says, No, it's Oh, hold on, give up, like, Well, why wouldn't you do the same thing you would have done? If you it was a race, like, work harder? Try different strategies, you know, prove yourself, like I'm worthy of having sex. Maybe I need to do a couple pushups before maybe I need to take a shower, brush my teeth. Yeah, better conversations. Maybe I need to figure out why my wife keeps saying no, you know, like, maybe I need to get curious about that. Ask questions. So don't give up on the first no, keep going figure out, you know, push for that promote? Yeah, push for that. Right.

Eric MacDougall
And this is the whole idea of advocating, like, you know, when you're talking about this, I love that analogy. But yeah, it's like, it's not, it's just like, I'm gonna get this right. There's something I want. So I'm gonna put an effort to get it.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, maybe I don't know, if I deserve sex. No,

Eric MacDougall
I don't know if that's true. But, you know, I essentially like my wants, my desires are real, and they're valid,

Kate MacDougall
right? And it's okay for me to want these things. It's

Eric MacDougall
okay for you to want a raise at work. And whether you're sitting on your butt at work, doing absolutely nothing and just hating your job. It's okay, but you still want to

Kate MacDougall
be this. might not get it if you don't put a little work. Yeah. And

Eric MacDougall
if you want to work your butt off and try to understand and know, maybe you don't get the raise, you're like, Well, I'm gonna get the raise eventually. So I'm gonna keep going with this because I want the raise. It's not because my boss said, I can't get the raise, I should let go of this whole idea that I want to raise. And this is what happens in relationship a lot. It's like, I want this thing but my partner's I gotta go for it. So I won't even put any effort into it, or commit to

Kate MacDougall
it. Yeah, and I'm not even gonna get into like, we suppress our needs and wants so much in a relationship, we lose ourselves and then eventually grow anger and resentment against our partners. And then just and then you wonder, you know, 10 years later, like, Why do I hate my partner so much? Up? All I know, yeah. Because for 10 years, I've been suppressing my wants and needs for 10 years, I stopped asking for what I want. I stopped communicating, communicating at all with them, because I just felt like, what's the point?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and then they blame their partner, instead of taking ownership of like, for 10 years, I played this role where

Kate MacDougall
I that I my needs and wants weren't important. Yeah. And yeah, take ownership

Eric MacDougall
of that. 100% and I think this is what we want. People do you know, start advocating for yourself and again, the first step to advocating yourself it's not like bull in a china shop would tell your partner like you listen here like no,

Kate MacDougall
absolutely not. And try and

Eric MacDougall
maybe like take ownership of your own. You know, wants desires needs by getting clear about what they are understanding how you prevent yourself from creating them. And what can you do differently to move towards if you made the commitment to yourself to experience this thing you want to experience? What would you need to do differently in your life?

Kate MacDougall
And yeah, and try it maybe it is the textbook things that you want maybe it is more sex, maybe it is more dates, maybe it is more you know, the typical things, great relationships, but if you are coming up with that, see what it is about that that you want go deeper Why Why what is it about that that you want? What is it about dates, what is that going to give you what is it going to change in your life? What is it going to do for you? And why why why and keep going down so that you really get down to the you know, bare bone of what it is that exactly that you want out of the states and specifically what tentative dates and the more specific you can get the the more granular granular you can get about you know your desires, the easier it is for your spouse to give it to you.